Loving Enough

I'm not sure who you are or where y'all are, but I'm praying for all y'all!  I hope you're praying for your future community, as well.  So many of us are feeling the urgency of preparedness.  I'm not talking about bugging out or going underground, but simply coming together in fellowship and being ready to let our light shine through some very troubling times in the not so distant future.  We know from Scripture, there is a time coming that will be like nothing before seen.

I've truly struggled the past couple of weeks with my weakness.  As always with a struggle, comes several opportunities to blow it, as well as that single solution that will bring solitude and serenity.  Well, so far, I don't think I've blown it, but I haven't quite found that single solution, either.   I know my Heavenly Father does have one for me.  I'm going to be honest, here.  Not that I'm usually dishonest, but this is personal.  When things don't turn out as I thought they would, or turn out at all, and take a very long time, I begin to question.  I have no doubt that I heard YHWH call me to this place and the plan, but . . .  After writing my concern last month that I might have blown it, I have been walking on spiritual eggshells the past few weeks truly in fear of YHWH and that I've missed the plan.

In going back over some of the recent posts, I was hoping to find that word of assurance or reassurance, but the words are just words on the screen and all I hear is, the battle is not mine.  I was truly afraid I was falling away . . . It feels like I'm dying without fellowship and I'm just tired of being gracious to those who have made it clear, this isn't what they want and my best is simply not good enough.  My problem is not that I'm not enough.  My problem is, I don't care to be enough, I'm just tired of being gracious!  Tired of being gracious is a scary place to be.  What if some of the thoughts bouncing in my brain come flying out my mouth?  I shudder to even think of that.

I asked YHWH, back in 2001, to show me His heart.  I wanted to love like He does, but oh my!!!  I have gotten to the point of genuinely loving people, saying I love you, and not needing to hear it back.  I really do love people!  The problem I seem to struggle with is when I find myself going long past the second mile, second year, second everything . . . desperately trying to not be unloving.

And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not love, I am nothing.  I Corinthians 13:2