Dying to Self

Dying to self involves grief. Some areas of my "self" was an easy surrender, and an easy epitaph, but the socially religiously promoted things were another matter. There were things upheld in our society that I didn't even know I had to die to, but I did, and some of those issues were grievous. Dealing with grief involves some of the most difficult emotions a human faces. Grief is often much more difficult than anger, although according to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, anger is a stage of grief. The five stages of grief according to Kubler-Ross are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. As a person of the Hebraic-Messianic covenant, we are called to die to self. I had no idea how involved that was until very early this morning.

When I entered covenant with the G-d of Abraham, I didn't fully understand the cost. Oh, don't get me wrong, He was very upfront about it and even put it in writing. I just had no idea about some matters and now I do. When I first entered covenant, I knew I was a family failure, so I thought that was something I needed to make amends. I made apologies to everyone I thought I offended, and made many efforts to allow hurt feelings and offenses toward me, go by. I did everything I could to go a second mile and beyond to make up for what I had lacked and caused in the past. It wasn't until this last year that I realized, it's simply over. I can't make up for anything, and what's worse, there is Scripture backing where I am in all these situations.

I can't make the proper amends, and I had to come to a place of accepting that, or in short, dying to self. As I looked out the window this morning as the snow fell gently, I knew this was the day I died to self. I've been through the five stages of grief in this past year, and sadly a year ago, I was given warning. Two years ago, upon writing, "Can We All Be Wrong?" I knew I had signed my own death warrant in the statements contained in the book. There would be no way to ever go back to life as I'd known it. I began walking with YHWH nearly 20 years ago, following Messiah, but of course the destination isn't even on the horizon in the beginning. There have been awesome and amazing sights along the way, but I'm just now getting a glimpse of some of the expected end . . . and it's well beyond surrender now.

There were things I was so afraid of in the beginning of this walk. I was afraid my daughter and I would have as bad a relationship as my mother and I, but we don't, it's much worse, and I'm not supposed to fix it, I have to die to self. That's not to say YHWH won't bring reconciliation and even resurrection, but it's not in my power to fix. Job said it best in verse 25 of chapter 3: For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me.

I was afraid I was going to die a marriage failure, and I am. Words cannot express the deep wound of complete rejection and disregard I received from my last husband, and I had entered into the marriage so sure that YHWH had ordained the union. The truly sad part is, I still believe that, but it was no Ruth and Boaz. It was more Hosea and Gomer, only gender reversed. There is no hope of reconciliation or success in the marriage department for me, and I am just crazy about men. I love 'em! Fortunately for me, Messiah is the perfect man, who just happens to love crazy women with a past . . . enough to die for us; Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much

I'm not going to be rich, either, but that was never one of my goals. I have "kingdom wealth," I never would have imagined or even thought to ask for, and YHWH told me I would leave a legacy to my descendants! I have no idea how He's going to work all that out, but I know HE cannot lie, so it's a done deal . . . He shall choose our inheritance for us, the excellency of Jacob whom he loved. Selah.

My parents aren't proud of the path for which I've been chosen, but they were the ones who gave me the name, Elizabeth, which means consecrated to Elohim, and although I only use the initial, my name of dedication is, Deborah, who was a prophetess and judge in Scripture. It would seem they named me properly for this call. Logically speaking, even though they are not happy with my beliefs, they weren't happy with me before I began walking with YHWH, either. Leaving His Service would not change their feelings or win their approval. I have asked for their forgiveness for my early indiscretions and disappointments to them, and I've certainly not engaged in the same behavior since walking with Messiah, so I will die to self at peace, having done all I know to do. As a numbers person, I love the fact that YHWH's promise is in both: Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 11:29. For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says YHWH, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. - For the gifts and calling of Elohim are without repentance.

I'm so grateful for YHWH's mercy and goodness, in that He allowed me to go through the stages of grief. And even though the first stage is denial, I was so deeply in denial, in the beginning, I thought I could actually make things right. Then came the disbelief that what I heard, had actually been said, and I knew then . . . I, in and of the flesh, would not recover. I got angry for a time, but that was exhausting. I tried bargaining with YHWH. How foolish of me! It's His word that says I would not live, but Messiah, in me. I did have a time of disappointment, even depression. I think that I knew; not only would I die to self, but very likely actually come to my numbered days without any change in the relationship statuses. I came full circle to understanding and accepting, it would be all right.

It's funny, but as I looked out the window and realized this indeed was a good day to die, I thought of the Obama campaign promises. Hope, change, and forward. My hope is in YHWH, maker of heaven and earth. The change is in me, which is repentance, surrender, and death of self. A new direction means Forward, has a different destination than I knew, but was His plan all along. But he shall receive an hundredfold now in this time, houses, and brethren, and sisters, and mothers, and children, and lands, with persecutions; and in the world to come eternal life.

So until the end of my numbered days on this earth, I shall move forward, a woman, forever changed, hoping only in His plan. And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness.