A Very Strange Reckoning

I was so sure I'd be symptom free when my last book was published. Seriously, I was sure every MS symptom would disappear when I held the book in print . . . but that isn't what happened at all. As I stood there looking at the book "Wilt Thou Be Made Whole?" I heard those same words, yet again. "My grace is sufficient." And so I swallowed hard and continued on. A lot has happened since that time and I see some amazing similarities from my last book's publishing and this time, only I'm doing things differently. This time I won't be sidetracked with the reaction or reception of another, nor will I worry about my physical body. If I continue to do what I believe YHWH has outlined for my health, all of our health, then I will continue to walk in that path, until He says otherwise. I figure it can happen one of three ways. 1. My numbered days become complete. 2. I do become symptom free. 3. I continue to do everything He strengthens me to do, in spite of symptoms, in this "disability" dependent world. Who knows? I don't have the mind of G-d. Perhaps He gets more glory out of someone that keeps on keeping on, when the popular solution is disability income. I don't know, but today I'm in a strange place and looking at it differently.

An acquaintance of mine has shared that his wife is now in long term care due to MS. She's not as old as I am! Hearing that news sent me back to my years of work in long term care when I took care of a woman who had been a resident since she was 35 years old, and ultimately spent the rest of her life in that facility. I hid the fact of my diagnosis for a number of years, and even in the case of exacerbation was literally willing to change my surroundings, rather than face the inevitable possibility; this encroaching, invading, infringing nemesis to my independence, could cause. For years, I lived as if I could outrun it . . . As it began to become obvious in my gait and I often staggered or stumbled, I truly preferred someone thought I was drunk as to know I was hosting this ailment. I wasn't ashamed of having MS, I just was sure that the day I spoke those letters personally, I would lose the battle. In my mind, speaking the words or the letters would be surrender, "giving into it," and from what I had seen, this disease casts a prolonged and grueling conquest.

Just as I was sorting through the words I wanted offer this couple, as well as contemplating some other weighty issues, my news page displayed the "breaking news" that Annette Funicello died. This compounded the unfamiliar, almost foreboding feeling that had surrounded me. I recognized all the denial I'd been trying to entertain, and I suddenly realized a completely new perspective. Rather than denial, I need to face the fact that I am experiencing symptoms and rather than attempting to outrun this malady, I need to fully embrace the grace that is sufficient. I need to admit, my body isn't in perfect condition, but it's working right now and if I pay attention, I can make some valuable adjustments that just might help. I've chosen to trust G-d with my health and that is not ignoring the problem. As a matter of fact, I've realized it's the best choice I could have made in dealing with MS.

I don't think there is anything called ambulation guilt, and I don't feel guilty for feeling good. I feel guilty for being sad about the symptoms I do have and the few and far between days that are a genuine struggle for me, when there are people who simply cannot take care of themselves any long or the disease finally wears their body out. I'm not without comfort, I'm not without The Comforter, and to be honest, I don't deserve life to be this good! I'm glad I made the choice I made regarding my health. Now I need to make sure I don't disregard my wellness or ignore the symptoms and simply follow my Healer's instructions.

And said, If thou wilt diligently hearken to the voice of YHWH thy G-d, and wilt do that which is right in His sight, and wilt give ear to His commandments, and keep all His statutes, I will put none of these diseases upon thee, which I have brought upon the Egyptians: for I am YHWH that healeth thee.